Guess Who's Teaching DADA?
by Ryuus2
Summary: Gandalf? Uncle? Negi? Sirius? Come on, guess. More crack than I've ever used.
1. Chapter 1

So, I've been trying to find time to work in writing around being a full time student and (unpaid) chauffeur so that I could try catching up with my monthly updates. And then my brother shot me some ideas for DADA teachers and this happened. Tell me what you think in a review.

EDIT: fixed some errors.

* * *

Timeline: fifth year, first class

The old Chinese man Dumbledore had hired as their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year had spent the first three minutes of class yelling at them in muddled English that amounted to "Call me Professor Chan, Sei-fu, or Uncle."

"Now, take out your books and start reading chapter one. One more thing, raise your hand if you have a question. One more thing, no stupid questions. One more thing, do not interrupt Uncle. One more thing-"

Malfoy couldn't take it anymore. He stood and slammed his hands on his desk. "Enough! If you say 'One more thing' one more time, I'm going to curse you into a second retirement!" he yelled.

Uncle just glared at the angry blonde. "One more thing-" he side-stepped the bright curse and responded with an under-hand fling of his chalk. It hit Malfoy so hard between the eyes that it disintegrated into a cloud of powder and knocked him out. Uncle adjusted his glasses. "Never underestimate the master. Who else wants a piece of Uncle?" Silence. "Good. One more thing…"

The class groaned internally. This was going to be a looong year.

* * *

Timeline: Fourth year, opening feast

"And may I present our new DADA professor, Negi Springfield!"

The adorable red-haired boy sitting on the chair piled with cushions next to Professor McGonagall stood in his chair to be seen and smiled widely to the student body. "It is a great honor to be here Headmaster. Please take good care of me," he said with a slight bow. The room fell so silent for a moment that you could here a pin drop.

Negi quickly looked up with cute confusion written across his face, only to be met by an ear-shattering "_**SQQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**_" from every female at the four house tables, who then rushed the head table.

"Yipes!" Was all Negi managed to get out before his survival instincts kicked in and he made a run for it.

Finally able to think clearly now that she was outside his immediate area of influence, McGonagall quickly rose from her seat and with a yell of "Get him girls!" jumped over the table to begin pursuit.

A cry of, "Why does this always happen to me?!" echoed back into the Great Hall with the echoes of the stampeding Hogwarts females.

All the males could only stare, dumbstruck, after the female horde. Some of the older boys –fearing the loss of their boyfriend status– turned to the still-shocked Dumbledore and yelled at him to do something to stop the girls.

Finally regaining his senses, the old headmaster drew his wand and charged from the hall with the battle cry, "He's mine you floozies!"

* * *

Timeline: Second year, first defense class

The Slytherin and Gryffindor second-years walked into their first Defense class of the year quietly, not yet sure what to think of their new instructor. Most of them had never even met an American before, let alone a magical one.

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, brave Gryffindor's all, heeded the advice of Ron's elder twin brothers and claimed seats at the front.

The American had foregone his (awesome) leather duster, which Harry could see thrown over the back of the chair his long walking staff was propped against, both within reach if he needed them. He was wearing a nice pair of slacks and a button up shirt, it looked like he'd passed a comb through his hair as well, and he'd shaved since the night before, making him appear a good bit less like a travel weary bounty hunter.

Once the room was full, he finally spoke. "Everyone take your seats and be quiet," he said in a professional tone. He stood to face the blackboard and started writing, taking advantage of his height and long arms to scrawl his message at the top of the blackboard. "I'm Harry Dresden. I'll be your teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts for the foreseeable future. As I prefer a proactive approach to handling dark creatures and practitioners, we'll be starting hot." He stepped away from the blackboard to let everyone see what he'd written. "Lesson 1: Fire."

Harry Potter grinned. He was starting to see what the twins liked about this guy.

* * *

Whew. Made it. I posted something before October. I still need to find some way to post twice this month, but at least I haven't fallen any farther behind.


	2. Chapter 2

Here is my (late)Christmas present to all of my readers. I am now officially four months behind on updates. Just three more posts this month to catch up…which means about nineteen hours from now. Yeah, that's not happening.

Here are some more skits I thought up, or that weren't ready for my earlier post.

* * *

Timeline: Fourth year, opening feast

"And this year Hogwarts has the great honor to-" Dumbledore was saying, but was rudely interrupted by a loud crash of thunder, accompanied by the resonating crash of the great hall doors slamming open. As the echoes faded around the room, a tall, stooped, thin man in sodden grey robes and a dipping pointed hat made his way up between the tables, his staff making an ominous 'thunk' with each step. Once he reached the headmaster, he stood to his full height with the slowness of age, and pulled his dripping hat out of his eyes. He was noticeably taller than Dumbledore, but still shorter than Hagrid.

When the man spoke, it was with a tired baritone. "Sorry for the interruption Albus; I tried knocking but the storm seems to have drowned me out."

"That's perfectly alright old friend," Dumbledore said as he shook the man's hand. He turned his attention back to the students and the newcomer turned as well. "Now allow me to introduce this years Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Gandalf the Grey!"

Later that year:

"Your final examination this year is to enter this Dwarf mine in parties of seven and make it out the other side. Ideally you will make it through quickly –and quietly!– without awakening the Goblin horde or their pet Mountain Troll. Also there is a Balrog. If you see it, I would advise running. If you don't make it out the other side, then…You! Shall! Not! Pass!"

Every one of the assembled students gulped…except for Harry Potter. He shrugged and muttered, "Still better than dragons."

* * *

Alternate Timeline: Fifth year (Sirius cleared of all charges)

Sirius strolled up the aisle in the center of the classroom. "Good morning everyone. Wands out. I want two single file lines of equal length. Now face the person opposite you." Once everyone had a partner he grinned like a mad man—which he was—and shouted, "It's time to duel!"

The next class:

"These are my new assistant, Fred and George Weasely. Their job is to keep you on your toes. All the time." Even Harry was creeped out by the way they all managed to grin while showing all their teeth like that.

* * *

Timeline: Fourth year, Negi again, Beaubaxtons and Durmstrang arrive

The entire Beaubaxtons contingent was stopped in its tracks when the French schools Headmistress stopped moving. Once the students who were bowled over by the sudden stop righted themselves they were able to get a good look at what had so affected their Headmistress. It was a small boy with red hair wearing a green suit and holding a staff longer than he was tall.

It took three tries before Dumbledore's shouts were finally able to break the Giantess from her stupor. She ignored everyone asking her what was wrong to raise a shaking finger to point at the diminutive redheaded boy. "You. Boy. Who is your father?" She asked quietly.

Negi blinked at her in confusion before saying carefully in a small voice that never-the-less carried over the silent crowds of students, "My father? Er, Nagi Springfield, Ma'am."

Madam Maxine began shaking more violently before throwing her head back and screaming. She lunged at Negi with a monstrous scowl on her face, trying to wrap her hands around the tiny representation of a certain man from her past.

Negi reacted with the cool head of a professional…yeah right. He reacted like a twelve-year-old facing one of his dad's angry girlfriends. He bolted.

Madam Maxine chased the small adolescent around the castle while shouting curses and oaths in French. Those unfortunate enough to be able to understand her bellows heard this, _"Where is He?! Where is that skirt chasing bastard, Nagi Springfield?! I'll kill that lying, cheating gigolo!"_

Unfortunately for Negi, he could understand French.

* * *

Timeline: Third year, first class

The imposing old wizard in the blue robes and pointed hat reminded Harry quite a bit of Professor McGonagall the first time he saw him, and that feeling was further reinforced by the commanding glare he was spearing the entire class with. Once the bell to begin class rang, he stood to address the class. "I am Master Yen Cid. I have forgotten more about the ways of magic than most you will ever know or could ever fathom. As my students, I expect absolute respect from you, complete obedience to my commands, rigid discipline in completing the tasks I assign, and unyielding diligence for all things you do.

"For my lessons, your wands are insufficient mediums. I will provide you with more…adequate ones." He had walked around his desk until he was right in front of the class as he talked. Now he waved his arm and a large barrel full of what appeared to be ornate swords appeared before his desk in a 'poof' of smoke and displaced air. He reached into the barrel and drew out a…giant key?

"You will each select a keyblade that suits you. If it won't stay in your hand, then it doesn't suit you. I will present a different assortment of keyblades every class until all of you have bonded with one."

'_Bonded?'_ the entire class thought.

"Until you all have a keyblade, you will only be studying theoretical magic. Hopefully, it will not take long to arm you all. Now, form a line and begin."

* * *

As I've mostly run out of ideas for this, I'll be taking new ideas from my reviewer suggestions. Any such ideas will be appropriately marked.

If you enjoy a meal at a restaurant, you tip your waiter/waitress. Don't I deserve the same recognition? So tip me with a review. Otherwise I'll spit in your coffee!


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